After forty years of prayers, believing and hoping for things unseen, it’s hard to let go.
To not have seen or heard or know for sure.
Words of promise immediately-breathed to my heart in his passing, light me now with hope –
Rejoice! For this my son was lost,
and today he is found!
For I know they are words of His Word.
Still... I ask. Whisper into this day he has gone…
…Please Father, would you keep showing me this isn’t just my own wistfulness? Letting me know…he really is with you? That you never let go of reaching his heart? Speak into my dreams. Into my days…
And suddenly, I am remembering something from about a week earlier…
When…flittering light and airy, it tumbles as if out of nowhere…just beyond my windshield… while I wait at a light. I lean in for a closer look. A falling leaf – this soon? In that barely-a-breath week or two between summer and fall, it doesn’t seem likely.
No…I peer deeper…a golden butterfly.
Strangely hovering an infinitesimal second more, as if suspended by unseen strings…it holds on midair, like Disney animation right before my eyes. Almost…purposefully. I’ve never seen one do that before. It catches me, like a ray through a cloud, before I really know why.
A nudging feel of the Holy Spirit warms over me. Pressing a memory moment.
Does this have some meaning, Lord? I puzzle. It gives me an inexplicable feeling of… peace…assurance. A warm sensation of oil of joy poured out. But I’m not sure why, or what for.
I’m not one who is looking around for signs in place of Him. Still, more and more I’m asking Him to make me aware of His heart…especially through His Word…To speak into my prayers, decisions, days… and help me to hear. Open my eyes to Him in such easy-to-miss moments.
In everyday ways and extraordinary ones.
Now, I suddenly know.
A message of hope… sent to me ahead of time.
“Hope has wings even before you fully see…” I hear gently, in this praying to know, over the lump in my throat.
Days slip into a week, then two…autumn trees from gold to red to letting go of dancing, shimmering, shimmying leaves… and hope resides.
Every day, I catch a falling star of His assurance in heart and hand, and hold them like wonderlight in a jar.
For again and again, wherever I turn…He is sending me echoes of his prodigal promise…
- I hear it from Beth Moore one noon as I’m driving, quickly blinking back those melting tears at the precise way He speaks to my prayer in her same call to rejoice in the one now found…
- I hear it from my TV when someone is again word-painting the radiant look of the Father running towards His long-prayed for son, not restraining any longer, but being first to reach out and make His heart known… in the arms of love…
- I see it online in a particularly moving watercolor someone has posted of the Lord embracing a young man at the gates of heaven…
- I rediscover it in words God-breezed across my journal pages early in the year… You will see wonders come forth this year in answer to your prayers – life long prayers!
- And in those I journaled out of prayer only five days before the end… I am turning his eyes upon Jesus. He is looking up. I use what you’ve shared to make rows and plant seeds…and now those seeds are sprouting leaves fresh and green and moving and growing into his heart. I am watering and they are growing exponentially… My life, lush and healthy and healing. I sing your prayers inside him, washing him in my Word and Truth. You will see one day and together rejoice.
- Then…I find it in sacred echo blog posts by others I don’t know, like this one http://thisgalsjourney.wordpress.com/2012/10/09/the-blessing-of-a-bloom, and this http://eileenknowles.com/he-waits/ — reminding me that God often works awesomely, patiently, through year after year prayers… like seeds germinating in the ground…and blossoms them forth in resurrection when death is all we think we see… not a single one lost from His Hand ...
- I cherish it in promise that leaps off the page of The Word and waves as a banner of His joy in my heart...Surely the Lord was fighting for him and did not let go without victory...(Joshua 10:14)…
- I hear it in his waking me in the middle of the night to neon words of Keith Green’s Easter Song singing on my lips… He is risen, Hal…le…lu…ia! He is risen! Hallelu…ia!
- I remember it in Word He’s led me to pray for him all my life… I will give him an undivided heart and put a new spirit in him, I will remove a heart of stone and give a heart softened unto Me… He will be my people and I his God…(Ezekiel 11: 18 -20) and I will give him a heart to know me, that I am the Lord…I will be his God and he will return to me with all his heart. (Jeremiah 24:7)
- I hold it close in the thoughtfulness of a friend who calls, another who e-mails, knowing my heart…
And the list goes…wondrously, lovingly, astonishingly…on.
As every day I ask for light anew…
The Lord keeps on confirming this life long prayer answered….
Sends one more note of… just believe the joy.
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,
believe that you have it, and it WILL be yours.” (Mark 11:24)
Have you not asked in MY Name all these years? He reminds,
on a whoosh of Holy Spirit-breathed faith across me…
Lighting a flame that cannot go out.
Speaking to how He longs to show us…asking only that we look expecting to see…
Yes, Yes! I realize, then.
I will take that Word as promise that can’t be broken.
And still He sends hope-confirmed, to fall and dazzle all around me… at my feet.
To remind me that he has seated us already in the Heavenlies, so that He is the one who emboldens and empowers our prayers to move mountains.
Because He is waiting, His Words of life to perform,
To show us His mighty love
To even whisper on the wings of a golden butterfly
I have it covered.
© Pam Depoyan
For all those still in your prayers…
Hold fast to His prodigal promise:
He will never…no never… let them go.
He is even now singing your words of His Word over them…
prayers taking root, behind the scenes readying
for resurrection bloom.
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with: Multitudes on Monday counting blessings with this blogging community, for all the ways God is speaking to us and helping us to hear, for hope that whispers believe the joy, for the prodigal promise that God will never let go without victory, for light and His word of joy sung over us all.